and i thought i would have been used to failure by now

itsok itsok

don't let this define you.
this too shall pass.
one day you will look back and this will not matter. let it go.

stand back up. stay strong.

It is my honour it really is. But....

Damn it omg kelly wruuuuu pls talk to me

Ok quickly before the day ends in 10mins. 1st October 2015 damnnnnnnn yeah 

Also today is world ballet day and it's also the day I told my teacher of 10years that I am stopping lessons the feelzzzzz omg 

I realise I rly hate having to make big decisions cos I must legit question myself and dig deep into my soul but in the end I also dk what's going on

Hopefully tmr will bring enlightenment and matters can be settled. Need a peace of mind. But omg FOCUS! Motivation come back to meeeeeee 

Omg get over yourself plssss now is not the time focusfocus 

"I love when conversations and energies just flow. Not forced. Not coerced. Just present."

ya had quite a rough day that day haha it has been long and i have NOT missed it.

but the ways things have happened since then have just somehow worked out :)
the day before i was so sure that it would take me so much effort to even get out of bed, but damn weird like because i knew i won't be doing anything much that day so i woke up feeling so free and relaxed and omg i didn't even realise how stressed out i have been. or maybe its just the lack of exercise lolol i think i need to control my unhealthy living abit ok anw

class celebration for kim and clarissa!!!!! TWO EXTREMELY LOVELY PPL and class turnup was actually not bad even though segregation but class girls really felt like family :)))))))

then i went matts house omg that sense of familiarity like how we had all the work on the table but somehow just end up bitching talking the whole time HAHAHA rly you are a gem (but if you reading this pls off your com and study)

continuing with the day, mds w the babesssss. omg he damn funny that day (even tho v burn ouch) and afterwards we just casually stood outside school at 930pm on a wednesday night talking but wowwww it felt vvvvvvv nice

so i had ramen for supper at 1030 hahahaha but good decision. cos i ended up talking until 5am. late night convos omg. thankyou thankyou thankyou

yes so i basically spent the whole day talking to people but really friends all of you are absolutely amazing.

Heart v painnnnnnnn sobbles 

How much worse can today get 

Why is it so hard for me to move on.

Why do i keep thinking about things even though i know theres nothing i can do.

Why do i spend so much time regretting. OMG WAKE UP ITS ALREADY TOO LATE!!!!

I need to just accept it. 

I need to make the best out of it.

I need to stop being a disappointment. 

NEED. TO. MOVE. ON.

Sometimes I get really upset with myself for not appreciating the wonderfulness of the present but instead just harping on the past??? Like why do I have to make things so difficult for myself lol idek v confused

Friday morning 2am lol. Ya mocha frap at 10pm not the best idea but shit is getting real!!!! 

On the bright side it makes precious moments soooooo much better, as proven by the past few days.  Yes i know you are reading hehe you are such a treasure :)

Very incredibly overwhelmed :( i want to do this but but what if i cant. What is going to happen omg can i just crawl into bed and sleep and wake up to everything being fine. 

i feel like this is as slack as this term is gonna get. my body is just rejecting school zzzz im having such a hard time adjusting back to school :(

and i cant go a day without someone commenting on my weight gain. the past me would have just freaked out and gone on some stupid diet but im really trying to reach the stage of having no damns to give

"Don't miss the sun today worrying about the rain coming tomorrow"

Took some time off all the mad rush to have some ME TIME. under the sun by the pool hehe (not the beach but csc pool damn gorgeous it shall suffice). havent been able to not worry and just chill in so long and omg it felt so good.

ok so some thoughts.

Had a bad ballet lesson on sun, which hasn't happened in q long but shit it sucks. idk if its because i missed the prev 2 lessons, or maybe im just not cut out to learn all the advanced stuff. really starting to question whether i made the right choice in hanging on to dance. In sec 4 i considered quitting because thats the age most ppl stop to concentrate on studies, but not having the burden of o levels allowed me to continue. then last year i considered again, and i told myself ok just one more year. this year april was supposed to be my final dance, my swan song, with the perfect closure of the last graded exam. BUT i couldn't bear the thought of life without the weekly double/triple lessons and so i didn't stop. tbh there is no purpose in me continuing, since it would take me more than a year to even be slightly ready for the advanced exams. i think this is just me delaying my farewell to dance. So many things have changed in my life, but dance has always been a constant. A source of familiarity and comfort. Its part of my routine to go into that studio twice a week and just leave everything else outside the door. its been part of my life for the past 10 years.

how. how do i just let go.



and also today i finally got down to cleaning up my room. i was putting away my bday stuff (ya i know its been 3months haahahah) so i opened the box that i put all my past letters in and wahhhhh all the memories and reminders of what once was. omg my heart almost couldn't handle it. ok i cant describe the feeling but heres a quote that i think is nice to remember

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened" 

no regrets ok

IM IN THE BLOGGING MOOD hahahhahaha so yes TERM 2 IS OVER holyfuck the past week has been v interesting and a lot of action happened AFTER GP which was basically just wed night and thurs and fri but it really doesnt feel like GP was just 3 days ago

After gp paper ended at 530 there was extra chem lesson (ya im srs) and it was zzzzz. oh but mr wong treated pizza!!!! Its damn sad to stand on the weighing scale nowadays cos the number keeps increasing butttt pizza hehe

Then idk what was the point of sch on thurs and fri cause i basically learnt nothing. 

sat through 3 tutorials on thurs and the person sitting beside me was v entertaining (yes it was a unique experience)

BUT BAND CONCERT WAS A V NICE NIGHT. even tho music is so not my thing but kim was there to explain everything (LUVLUV) and because i couldnt hear the mistakes i was just so damn impressed hahahah.  like SO COOL to see friends performing omg im v proud of my cathigh boys hahahah. 

that time supporting kelly also ohmyyyy sososososo impressed by her and they way they just freaking dominated the court W.O.W. hahahaha afterwards me and gilly were just raving about how damn cool she is and dude SHE IS OUR FRIEND. 

fri lessons were also a joke. survived half of double physics but i gave up during the second hr hahahaha not bad alr the person beside me slept through the whole 2 hours HAHA

ROCKOUT. damn good workout it was wilddddddd. so glad i got convinced to go last min it was such a legit way to end the term YAYYYY I WAS LEGIT DAMN HAPPY

And then today morning i redownloaded insta to update myself but wow its rly so distracting like idk why im so interested in other ppl's lives esp since its just their facade. and now with the trend of spam/pte accounts ppl think they are such big deals to have the power to choose their friends ugh v annoying.

ok anw FIRST DAY OF JUNE HOLS well spent w kim and gilly. went orchard to find them to study after tuition and lol all i did was 1 chapter of org chem HAHA but omg mad talk at dinner. Went for dinner at 6 and we left at 10. and to think we actually planned to study after dinner ahhahahaha but RLY vvvvvv glad that we can talk so much shit hehe much love.

i just think its amazing how people become friends. ok matt categorised the levels of friendship on her blog (free plubz for uuuuuu) but like most of my closet friends now i didnt even realise we were becoming friends and then BOOM theres just this moment i realise 'wow im so glad you are in my life'. 

havent blogged in so long but yes first half of j2 life has been intense. 

Do i really not have boundaries wth i had no idea things were so extreme. But now that i know i also damn  unsure???? HELPPPPP like everytime i think of something i should do (or not do) then some people will tell me im gonna regret doing that  but then everybody keeps offering different advice and no one can see from my pov and omggggggg KELLY I NEED TO TALK TO YOU

hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and take what comes

Dealt with so much nerves the past one and a half weeks omg. Started with ballet exam last wed then pw results yesterday and syf today!!!

I rly wanted to do well for ballet exam cause its my last one :(( doing the exam solo v scary i hope remained calm enough. syf alsooo omg esp the moment right before we go on stage!! At the end of both of them i felt super empty. All the months of preparation (juggling 6 dance pracs every week was damn crazy) and WHOOSH the few minutes in the exam studio and dance stage passed by and my body was on autopilot and then everything was over.

I realise this is the main source of all my nervousness and sleepless nights. Like i worry about not showcasing my best side, wasting all the time and effort and being unsure of the outcome.

PW ALSO. the night before getting back results i was just lying in bed thinking of all the possible scenarios, and then being upset with myself because i was supposed to sleep and not waste time worrying about things that i can't change. 

Both my ballet exam and syf were not the best runs i have done, but i have come to an enlightenment. In the end, whats even more important than the results is the process. Im damn thankful to have had the experience, and just having dance as a revenue to to escape from life makes me feel complete. Im also quite proud of myself for having survived the past days on the little sleep and alot of nerves. Ohohoh and for PW, the journey last year was filled with so many lows, but i guess the unexpected highs kinda made up for it. I think i can finally find closure, but the unconventional experience my group went through is quite deeply etched in my mind.

im super excited to go to bed tonight. tomorrow is my first completely free day in damn long and it will be the first day in weeks that i dont have to set a morning alarm. gonna use it to be a good daughter and also to rejuvenate lol time to up my studies game NO MORE EXCUSES.

Everyday i can literally feel myself sinking deeper. And i think recently i have been a damn shitty person who is selfish and mean and negative IM SORRY FRIENDS :(

peace

Its as if we broke up without even getting together

Thank you for being my best friend for those few months. But i can't help but wonder if I would be better off now if we had never met.


.

"I don't want you to leave, will you hold my hand?"